By Cindi McMenamin, Crosswalk.com
Has the honeymoon faded and left you wondering if your spouse still finds you attractive? That often happens after couples have been married for a while.
Sometimes it’s a matter of assumption on your part or your spouse’s that either of you don’t find each other attractive anymore. Maybe the two of you feel the same way about each other but one or both of you don’t flirt as much as you used to. Perhaps your spouse is particularly distracted during this season of life. Or, maybe one or both of you just aren’t making the effort you once did
You can once again be the person your spouse fell in love with when you focus on some of the qualities that first attracted you to your spouse. It’s likely what you found attractive in your spouse is the same or similar trait that your spouse first found attractive in you. Here are 12 ways (and prayerfully, they become habits) to become more attractive to your spouse:
1. Be Positive
There’s nothing more attractive than a positive person in action and speech. Can your spouse always count on you for a smile or a kind word? Or has he or she learned to enter the house walking on eggshells, unsure of what kind of mood, complaints, or verbal criticism they’ll encounter? Positive people are enjoyable to be around. If you’re pleasant, your spouse will likely want to be in your company, and find you more attractive and appealing.
If you struggle with being a positive person in word and deed, Ephesians 4:29 is a good filter for you to run your thoughts through before verbally expressing them: “Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear” (ESV).
2. Be Affirming
One of the things your husband found most attractive about you is that you were at one time (and hopefully still are) attracted to him. The same is true for a woman… she loved being the object of her husband’s pursuit. We all want to be around someone who makes us feel special, attractive, successful, and desired. Let your spouse know they are great at what they do, whether it be on their job, providing for the family, fixing things around the house, managing the budget, cooking, creating, or just making you laugh. Compliment each other often. Everyone loves to be affirmed. Be the one who affirms your spouse more than any other.
3. Be Confident
Life has its challenges. And there are a number of situations that can make us feel unqualified, incapable or overlooked. But you exhibited an air of confidence when you were courting or dating your spouse and it’s very possible your spouse is hoping you will be that person once again. So, regardless of how you might feel about your weight, body shape, appearance, physical health, job, salary, future, or whatever, get over it. Your spouse loves you for who you are. Walk tall in that knowledge and strive to be the same confident, encouraging person you were when you and your spouse first dated. Confidence is attractive.
Photo Credit: ©Unsplash/Brooke Cagle
4. Be Agreeable
Chances are, by now, you and your spouse have your differences. And maybe there are preferences on which you don’t want to budge. But disagreements lead to resentment if not sorted out and that can steal the romance from any relationship. Start practicing the words “Yes” or “Sure” or better yet, “I’d love to.”
Proverbs 15:23 in the New Living Translation says: “Everyone enjoys a fitting reply; it is wonderful to say the right thing at the right time!” Here are some ways to give a fitting reply: “Sure, we can invite your friends over for the game.” “Yes, I’ll try that new type of food with you.” “Yes, I’d love to wear that just for you.” Think: “Your will, not mine.” Self sacrifice goes a long way in making your spouse find you attractive.
5. Be Spontaneous
There’s no better way to add spark to a marriage and cause your spouse to see you through a different lens than to be unpredictable, but in a good way. Suggest you eat somewhere you never have. Wear a color you never have before. Go outside your comfort zone and take a risk with your husband or wife. Your spouse may feel similar to the days when he or she first fell in love and that may make them feel like they have a brand new spouse. Spontaneity often equates to fresh and exciting. So, bring on the spontaneous.
6. Make Your Spouse a Priority
We tend to give the best of ourselves to our jobs, our children, or our homes, or our special interests or hobbies. Make sure your spouse isn’t getting the leftovers of your time, energy and even your looks. Making your spouse a priority is one of the things you can do to be a priority in their heart and in their eyes.
Photo Credit: ©Pexels/Alejandro Avila
7. Change Your Tone
It’s been said “sex begins in the kitchen.” But I’d like to propose that “love begins with a tone of voice.” If you are one to respond curtly (implying impatience) or defensively (implying anger), focus on changing your tone. When you begin talking to your spouse as if he or she is the single most important person to you on this earth, it will impact how your spouse perceives you.
James 1:19 offers a helpful way to change our tone when it tells us to be quick to hear, slow to speak and slow to anger.” As your husband or wife sees a softening in the way you speak and respond, it’s very likely he or she will begin to see you with new eyes (and hear you with new ears).
8. Share a Project or Activity
Some friends of mine decided to make their dream home a project they would share. And to this day, they believe it was the one project that brought them closer together as a couple. Another friend of mine told me she began to be more interesting – and more of a pursuit – to her husband when she adopted his interest in working out.
“I was complaining to my husband that I was tired, bored, and didn’t have time to exercise. He told me that the kids were always going to take my time, but that I was the only one who could make working out a priority. I started to listen. I made time for my workouts a priority. I made the kids ride their bikes, while I started running. Now, years later, I’m not the nagging, tired, old wife. I am the new wife, with a cute body, and more interesting things to talk about. We talk about workouts, nutrition, and even exercise together. It has really ignited a new passion within our marriage. I can’t keep up with my husband, but the fact that I try makes it more interesting and makes him find me more attractive.
9. Increase Your Flirt Factor
If your spouse loved your flirtation back then, it’s safe to say he or she still loves it today… maybe even more. Flirting is a hidden art among married people today. We somehow think it’s reserved for the initial pursuit during dating and we become more comfortable – or awkward about it – the longer we are married. Face it, we usually have too many other things on our mind to even think about saying something to get our spouse’s attention and let them know we’re thinking of them. Yet, flirting can be in the form of a text message or a voice mail or a note stuck to your spouse’s car dashboard. Think: what did I do back when we dated? And that will help with your flirt factor.
Photo Credit: ©Unsplash/Kyle Bearden
10. Take the Initiative
Chances are you once took the initiative in letting your spouse know you were interested. Don’t stop now. (And if you never did, now would definitely be the time to start!) Initiate a hug. Initiate a kind word or compliment. Initiate lovemaking. Chances are your spouse dreams of that kind of pursuit… make sure it comes from you. Everyone wants to feel wanted. Give your spouse what you’re hoping to get in return.
11. Clean it Up
I know many people who enjoy remodeling their homes. But what about remodeling ourselves now and then? The Bible says our bodies are the temple of the Spirit of God (1 Corinthians 6:19). So how long has it been since your temple has been remodeled? Do what you can to keep your body in shape, healthy, and holy for the Lord and for your spouse, too. If you don’t care about yourself and how you look, that smacks of not caring about the one you married, too.
12. Pursue Your Relationship with Christ
What makes you truly attractive, and one worth pursuing? The beauty of Christ in you. When you have an intimate devotional life with Christ, and are controlled by His Spirit, your life will produce the fruits of His Spirit – love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self control (Galatians 5:22-23). Who doesn’t want to chase after someone who is truly joyful, peaceful, patient, kind, good, faithful, gentle and – they love this one the best – self-controlled!
Photo Credit: ©Unsplash/Clarisse Meyer
Cindi McMenamin is a pastor’s wife, award-winning writer, national speaker, and the author of several books to help women and couples strengthen their relationship with God and one another. She and her husband, Hugh, co-authored the book When Couples Walk Together: 31 Days to a Closer Connection. Some of her books to help you combat fear and strengthen your trust in God include When Women Walk Alone (more than 145,000 copies sold), Women on the Edge, Drama Free: Finding Peace When Emotions Overwhelm You and When Women Long for Rest. You can find out more about her ministry, books, and free resources at www.StrengthForTheSoul.com .